Yes – I realize that I have neglected this blog . . . a lot. I want to apologize; however, I do not feel that there is anything for which to apologize. I am accountable only to myself and, well, the only thing that I believe is important at this time is living in the moment – and I have had plenty of moments in the last month. I will post updates of where I have been, people I have met, driving conditions, hikes, etc – – just not so much of that is in this blog post. This one is more about . . . me.
A lot has happened in the last month. Much of the happenings have been part of personal growth, rediscovery, and realizations. Long ago I realized that I am not a “crowds” kind of person. I do not do well in large groups. I tend to stand in the corner at parties if I do not know that many people. I am uncomfortable with myself – both as a physical (how I look) and emotional person. It was difficult to admit that I lack self-confidence. Are not people taught that as you grow up, you grow into yourself and learn to, if not love, at least accept who you are? Well, I am 40 now . . . I need a fairy godmother or something.
This last week I had more time than ever to really think about me and where I fit into this world. It was while driving in the Yukon, specifically through Kluane National Park, that I realized how lonely I was . . . perhaps am. The Yukon is . . . serene (I cannot come up with a better word to describe what it is like). It is not like the Canadian Rockies of Banff, Jasper, Yoho or the Kootenay. They have drama. My soul sings in the Canadian Rockies. It wants to dance. It wants to play. It wants to throw caution to the wind be a three-year-old jumping into puddles after a heavy rain. In the Yukon – all I wanted to do was pull off to the side of the road, cut down some trees, and build myself a cabin where no one could find me. It was the strangest feeling.
Please do not get me wrong. The Yukon is BEAUTIFUL!! The wildflowers lead to evergreen trees which immediately lead to mountains. There are no “foothills” like I am used to in the Rockies. It is giant snow-capped rock formations painted with brown, green, and white hues that jut out from the earth, surrounded by bright flowers and crystalline bodies of water. The topography is so incredible that I wish I could paint. I wish I could let you see what my eyes saw (as pictures NEVER truly show the beauty). I want to be a part of it!
This made me question – why do I enjoy “hiding away”? Sure, family and close friends can know where I am at, but to be so far removed from them all ? I love my family and friends! Why do I want to be away from them all? Ultimately, I think that it goes back to the depression and social anxiety that I battle. Hiding away – means I hide myself. No one really needs to deal with the constant shit that I tend to put people through. Also, I don’t want to deal with their issues either . . .
I realize that my “problems” are quite minimal to most people. I am often told to “get over it” or “it isn’t that bad” or “well, other people have it a lot worse than you do”. I get this. I know that other people have it worse, but I don’t need to compare my thoughts, feelings, and emotions with anyone else. This is my story. It is not their story. Someone else may have a more dramatic, depressing, tragic, or romantic plot-line than I have; however, it is still my story and I hate feeling belittled.
What does this have to do with the Yukon?
The Yukon is a huge province. It consisted of 2 full days where I had no one but myself to keep me company. There was no cell service. There was no Wifi. Many times there were no people around at all; however, I felt . . . content. I felt contented in the loneliness. It wasn’t a “bad” lonely. It was not the feeling that I have when I am in a group of people, knowing that I just don’t belong there. That overwhelming loneliness where you are also expected to perform such as what happens with groups of family and friends or strangers. This was a loneliness that I embraced. It was a realization that I am minuscule. That full-bodied realization that there is a vast universe out there and I am but a bit of dust on a piece of stardust. I liked THAT feeling. I liked that idea. I embraced the loneliness and sat back to enjoy the beauty that surrounded me.
I realize that this was a bit of a ramble and probably a bit more than crazy. The next blog posts will be a typical travel log again. I will even catch you up on the rest of the East Coast trip! I have bear stories!!! 🙂 Hopefully, I will have a few more pictures to share also.
I am currently in Alaska, staying at a kick ass hostel in Fairbanks. I have met so many travelers since arriving here. Although I had a difficult time the first night (the anxiety of it all was a bit overwhelming for me . . . there were a lot of tent tears and a couple of rambling text messages to friends hoping they would understand), I have stayed two more days than planned. I love it. I plan to stay another day or two and work my way down to Seattle.
Until next time, find and do what makes you happy 🙂